Have you ever had an argument with your partner over something seriously silly? All because what you (or they) said just didn’t come out properly? I have definitely been there. More times than I would care to admit. This is how I learnt the hard way that communication is super duper important.
You may have heard that words only make up 10% of our communication? Well... that’s partially true. Two studies done back in 1967 found that body language and vocal tone make up more than 90 per cent of our communication*. In fact the specific break down is 55% body language, 38% vocal tone and only 7% actual words.
When you think about all of these components, it leaves us open to MANY interpretations. But another thing to keep in mind is that context is also a MASSIVE aspect of this stuff. Our context is usually very different from another person’s which means one phrase can mean something specific to you, but something completely different to them.
Often we are quick to place the responsibility of interpretation of our words on the other person. A classic “well that’s not how I meant it so it’s your fault if you take it the wrong way” (again, I have played this blame game, and it doesn’t work for anyone involved). To a small extent this is true; it is entirely up to the person how they perceive what you have said.
But what if you could take responsibility for how you communicate? If you could become much clearer in your languaging, this would allow less room for contextual issues which can injure a relationship.
Here are my five tools to purify your communication:
CHECK YOUR BODY LANGUAGE.
If your body language is domineering (eg you’re standing over someone as you say it) then the chances are what you’re saying will be interpreted this way (remember body language is 55% of communication). It’s really important to keep your body language in line with what you are trying to convey.
LISTEN TO YOUR VOCAL TONE.
Similarly, if you are speaking loudly or with certain inflections, this can come across as anger. Be mindful of your tone when you talk. If you’re not sure, clarify with the person you are communicating with. Sometimes my words have come out with a certain tone/inflection and I have said “I realise that sounded angry. I’m actually not angry so let me rephrase how I would like that to have sounded”. This might sound a little extreme, but wouldn’t you rather nip a communication error in the bud than try and go back later? This is why it’s so easy to have a communication breakdown via text messaging!
GET YOUR WORDS STRAIGHT.
This is another complex component to communication. Some words can have a completely different meaning for different people. It is YOUR responsibility to ensure that your languaging is not charged or running a secret agenda and that it steers away from negative, hurtful or nasty words. Take a breath and think about what you want to say. Then ask yourself if you can word it better.CLARIFY YOUR CONTEXT.
If something you are about to say has a contextual reference, clarify it with the person you are speaking to. Once my husband referred to me with a word that, in his context, meant I was cute and loveable. However, my definition of the word was not the same (in fact, I found it offensive). Here, we had the opportunity to clarify our context so that I wasn’t taking offence to his compliment. Context can often depend on upbringing, culture and life experience. If in doubt, clarify.BE AUTHENTIC.
This is one that I cannot stress enough. If you are authentic in what you are saying, this will always shine through. When you are authentic, it is easier to speak clearly and positively because you are in alignment with what you are talking about.
If you are able to own these tools and take responsibility for them, you are also opening yourself up to an opportunity to improve. Which only furthers your growth in this area.
What’s amazing is that it can also improve your confidence. Have you ever laid in bed at night stressing about how you think offended someone? By improving your communication with others, these kind of scenarios are reduced. It also means that if there are any “communication breakdowns”, you are more equipped to deal with them through your new tools.
“Self-consciousness kills communication”-- Rick Steves
If you could benefit from coaching around communication, send an email to info@kamindsetcoach.com.
* Mehrabian & Wiener, 1967 and Mehrabian & Ferris, 1967